My biggest fear became my darkest reality. This has left me with the choice of either falling deeper into sorrow, despair, and regret as I get sicker with anxiety or rising above it all and transmuting this peculiar ascetic martyrdom into renewed vitality. I understand there are things we don’t have control over, things that are inevitable. Therefore, instead of living in this anxious, debilitating energy of focusing on the things I have no control over, I really want to make the choice of focusing on the things that I do have some control over. I understand it’s pointless, even detrimental to focus on what I cannot change, the time that I can never get back, the decisions I made that I can’t go back and change; even if I could, that might have brought on a new set of questions and regrets.
Though my heart aches, and I have no idea how long I’ll feel this emptiness, I cannot allow myself to wallow in this sorrow of what I cannot change. It does me no good focusing on the would’ve, could’ve, or should’ve. It does no good being angry at the timing of it all.
What matters is what I do now moving forward. If only I could just focus on being the person I was always meant to be and stop focusing on being (or not being) the person others think I am or want me to be. Though right now, I feel so alone, even somewhat abandoned, I must remind myself that I am indeed not alone, and I will not go on about my life as such. Though it hurts to adjust to this stage in life, I can not allow the pain to take over, thus, stealing more time. This frustration I feel will be put to productive use. From this day on, I choose to be conscientious in how I show up for those closest to me, those I encounter, the world at large, and most importantly, myself.
Achieving Metanoia 