Resistance Empowers

by Achieving Metanoia, posted in Uncategorized

I’ve been resistant to what I feel is expected of me and what I feel is my truth, my path.

I think that’s why I feel such uneasiness within myself.

I’ve attempted to get others to see things my way in order for me to progress on my goals; needing others’ approval to go after my goals. When they don’t see things my way and are pessimistic or say what they think I should do instead, I get drawn into self-doubt, adapting to their doubts, fears, comforts, and compliances that are projected onto me in order to maintain their levels of comfort.

I can no longer expect the type of support needed to progress from those who are comfortable in their complacency.

People can only help you at the level of their comfort.

I have to remind myself that sometimes people can only support you on the level that their beliefs allow them. It’s not that they’re wishing ill upon me or wanting worse for me, it’s just that they don’t know any other way other than the conditioned way. So, my life’s vision may trigger discomfort for them which may be expressed as concern, doubt, annoyance, and sometimes attempted control, which results in my feeling held back. Intentionally or unintentionally, this may be true. But, what if most of the time it was done out of love? Yes, it may be their fears projected onto me disguised as love; but it’s still due to their level of understanding, nonetheless.

I’m learning to give up the resistance and not allow their words to affect me as I have in the past. For words become your reality. Focus on MY TRUTH, what MY standard of being is. I’ve focused too much on the upset that they were trying to “hold me down” and didn’t respect my independence or free thinking. Their vocalized wishes and their statements only prove that they didn’t have faith in me. I allowed the discouragement and the lack of “aligned support” to distract me. 

Now I know that others’ words only have power over one’s life when you give them that power.

And today, I choose to no longer empower them with my resistance. Don’t let people decide who you are.

Well, This Should Be Interesting…

by Achieving Metanoia, posted in self-talk

This year started off pretty dark. It’s still pretty dark, actually.

But I feel I’m at a point where I either let the darkness completely overtake me or start fighting back. I wish I had been more resilient and started the fight sooner before it seemed almost impossible to bounce back, but there’s always been something within me pushing forward, it’s just not as strong of a push as I would’ve hoped.

I don’t know what the future has in store for me. Right now, it’s hard to envision much of a future at all. I’ve suffered some significant losses, been “displaced”, bro…ahem, currently between funds (in the negative, even) and now all this without mommy and daddy here to fix it and make it better…I never thought my life would be where it is today, a year ago. I must admit, I’m still in a huge shock but I must smack myself into reality because things seem to continue on a downward spiral.

I never thought I’d be in this position.

They say things happen for a reason. I’ve learned to despise that saying. I don’t know why I’m here, writing this post, that is. Maybe to let out some disappointments that I don’t want to concern my loved ones with; they’re helping me in the best way they can.

I just wish I had made better choices, stood my ground, put up healthier boundaries and stood by them, and realized that you can’t save anyone but, maybe, yourself. The energy I put in attempting to save what was out of my control should have been placed on myself, because here I am, struggling, seemingly alone while everyone else’s lives continue on blissfully, except for having to deal with my complicated grief, displacement, and agonizing shame.

The thing is, I’m too much of a people pleaser to do anything drastic to release myself of this blackness because of the thought of the pain it will cause others. That’s why I must use the little energy I have left to dig myself out of this mess, out of this despair.

This should be interesting.

I’m sure there’s plenty of moaning and groaning while attempting to be grateful for the little I have while being a bit scared to be grateful in fear that that, too, will even be taken away. Fear, I hate it. I blame it for the reason why I’m here under these circumstances. But that’s for another post.

Foggy Start

by Achieving Metanoia, posted in Uncategorized

Today wasn’t perfect. Habits are hard to break. At least I drank an 8.4 oz Redbull instead of a12 oz. That’s my attempt at being “positive” about today. I keep asking myself, “why is it so hard to change, especially when you’re so dissatisfied with the current situation?” However, now that I think of it, it was quite the tug of war between the healthier choices vs. old habits and patterns. I made a lot of compromises with myself, which resulted in making some healthier decisions even though it wasn’t the perfect ideal choice. So with that in mind, today wasn’t perfect, and it wasn’t a complete fail either.

Broken

by Achieving Metanoia, posted in Uncategorized

Haven’t been in a mood to do much of anything. Perhaps, it was needed time for me to sit and reflect on what I’ve subconsciously chosen to resonate with thus far and what I consciously choose to resonate with moving forward. What energies do I wish to captivate? Next, what is needed from me to become like these energies I aspire to attract? What habits must I adjust or let go of? Focus on that. Choose the new experiences and get out of the loops. Prove that the lessons have been received.

Drained

by Achieving Metanoia, posted in Uncategorized

It’s been a very stressful and emotionally draining year. Sometimes I felt that my attempts at being positive or uplifted just drained me more. But as I began dealing with one set of emotions in a healthy way a set of emergencies that would slowly yet rapidly occur, then add on another stressor to that equation and you get a body that’s shocked out of its healthy-like dealing state to this semi out of control gluttonous being whose only concern was to be dumb. To not feel the anxiety, the worry, the stress, the anger, the disrespect, the neglect…

And now, here we are a couple of weeks on somewhat steady ground and 20 pounds heavier. Sometimes I wonder if I would ever get a handle on my life. I’m scared actionless. I just don’t know what to do at this point.

Releasing Some Baggage

by Achieving Metanoia, posted in Uncategorized

I’ve held myself back for far too long. Now, I must fight with everything in me to get out and move forward. It’s time I live up to my own standards, no matter what or how others may feel about it. No more being the martyr, it’s time to be honest with myself about what’s needed to get out of this quicksand. I’ve allowed myself to settle so deep that my body is grasping for air. And now I must build the strength to rise out from this dark heaviness of guilt, fear, settling, and surrendering to a reality that was never mine to begin with…

I will continue to build my strength and know my worth. No longer adopting others’ fates as my own.

I release all that’s holding me down, suppressing my true nature, my true calling. I release the feeling of obligation towards those who aren’t even obliged to care or love themselves properly. I release the guilt of not reaching my highest form before the two most important people in my life left this earth. I release the pain of rejection from not feeling accepted and ridiculed for being different. I release the embarrassment of wanting more and feeling I’m destined for more. I release the old me who believed I didn’t deserve any more than what was in front of me, accepting whoever and whatever that entered my life because to “reject” ,aka discern, will appear as ingratitude for no longer being rejected. Lastly, I release the belief that I have no right to discern who and what enters my life due to fear of misjudging others the way I felt misjudged. I deserve more than what I’ve allowed into my life. It’s time to fully accept my worthiness.

Life Must Go On…

by Achieving Metanoia, posted in Uncategorized

It’s been a while since I’ve even attempted to write out my thoughts. My mind has been so preoccupied with bereavement and obligations to my partner, however throughout that spell, I put self-care on the back burner…that is until my body began expressing its upset with me.

For so long I’ve stated how I wanted to get healthier by eating healthier, leaving the sugar, and letting go of vices which is partly why I began this blog…to heal my unhealthy thought patterns so that I no longer need said vices. However, with the worrying and stress, I kept saying tomorrow, next week, next new moon, etc.

Whenever I’d feel focused BOOM something will happen. As I’m writing this it makes me wonder if it’s taken me so long to get back into aligning with a higher way is because last time I suffered my huge loss. However, I can no longer be afraid to move forward. I must make a change within myself before it’s too late; I want to change. I want to be the equivalent to something of a higher vibration. It’s time to live.

Three Weeks Ago…

by Achieving Metanoia, posted in Uncategorized

My biggest fear became my darkest reality. This has left me with the choice of either falling deeper into sorrow, despair, and regret as I get sicker with anxiety or rising above it all and transmuting this peculiar ascetic martyrdom into renewed vitality. I understand there are things we don’t have control over, things that are inevitable. Therefore, instead of living in this anxious, debilitating energy of focusing on the things I have no control over, I really want to make the choice of focusing on the things that I do have some control over. I understand it’s pointless, even detrimental to focus on what I cannot change, the time that I can never get back, the decisions I made that I can’t go back and change; even if I could, that might have brought on a new set of questions and regrets.

Though my heart aches, and I have no idea how long I’ll feel this emptiness, I cannot allow myself to wallow in this sorrow of what I cannot change. It does me no good focusing on the would’ve, could’ve, or should’ve. It does no good being angry at the timing of it all.

What matters is what I do now moving forward. If only I could just focus on being the person I was always meant to be and stop focusing on being (or not being) the person others think I am or want me to be. Though right now, I feel so alone, even somewhat abandoned, I must remind myself that I am indeed not alone, and I will not go on about my life as such. Though it hurts to adjust to this stage in life, I can not allow the pain to take over, thus, stealing more time. This frustration I feel will be put to productive use. From this day on, I choose to be conscientious in how I show up for those closest to me, those I encounter, the world at large, and most importantly, myself.