Tag: depression

Well, This Should Be Interesting…

by Achieving Metanoia, posted in self-talk

This year started off pretty dark. It’s still pretty dark, actually.

But I feel I’m at a point where I either let the darkness completely overtake me or start fighting back. I wish I had been more resilient and started the fight sooner before it seemed almost impossible to bounce back, but there’s always been something within me pushing forward, it’s just not as strong of a push as I would’ve hoped.

I don’t know what the future has in store for me. Right now, it’s hard to envision much of a future at all. I’ve suffered some significant losses, been “displaced”, bro…ahem, currently between funds (in the negative, even) and now all this without mommy and daddy here to fix it and make it better…I never thought my life would be where it is today, a year ago. I must admit, I’m still in a huge shock but I must smack myself into reality because things seem to continue on a downward spiral.

I never thought I’d be in this position.

They say things happen for a reason. I’ve learned to despise that saying. I don’t know why I’m here, writing this post, that is. Maybe to let out some disappointments that I don’t want to concern my loved ones with; they’re helping me in the best way they can.

I just wish I had made better choices, stood my ground, put up healthier boundaries and stood by them, and realized that you can’t save anyone but, maybe, yourself. The energy I put in attempting to save what was out of my control should have been placed on myself, because here I am, struggling, seemingly alone while everyone else’s lives continue on blissfully, except for having to deal with my complicated grief, displacement, and agonizing shame.

The thing is, I’m too much of a people pleaser to do anything drastic to release myself of this blackness because of the thought of the pain it will cause others. That’s why I must use the little energy I have left to dig myself out of this mess, out of this despair.

This should be interesting.

I’m sure there’s plenty of moaning and groaning while attempting to be grateful for the little I have while being a bit scared to be grateful in fear that that, too, will even be taken away. Fear, I hate it. I blame it for the reason why I’m here under these circumstances. But that’s for another post.

Three Weeks Ago…

by Achieving Metanoia, posted in Uncategorized

My biggest fear became my darkest reality. This has left me with the choice of either falling deeper into sorrow, despair, and regret as I get sicker with anxiety or rising above it all and transmuting this peculiar ascetic martyrdom into renewed vitality. I understand there are things we don’t have control over, things that are inevitable. Therefore, instead of living in this anxious, debilitating energy of focusing on the things I have no control over, I really want to make the choice of focusing on the things that I do have some control over. I understand it’s pointless, even detrimental to focus on what I cannot change, the time that I can never get back, the decisions I made that I can’t go back and change; even if I could, that might have brought on a new set of questions and regrets.

Though my heart aches, and I have no idea how long I’ll feel this emptiness, I cannot allow myself to wallow in this sorrow of what I cannot change. It does me no good focusing on the would’ve, could’ve, or should’ve. It does no good being angry at the timing of it all.

What matters is what I do now moving forward. If only I could just focus on being the person I was always meant to be and stop focusing on being (or not being) the person others think I am or want me to be. Though right now, I feel so alone, even somewhat abandoned, I must remind myself that I am indeed not alone, and I will not go on about my life as such. Though it hurts to adjust to this stage in life, I can not allow the pain to take over, thus, stealing more time. This frustration I feel will be put to productive use. From this day on, I choose to be conscientious in how I show up for those closest to me, those I encounter, the world at large, and most importantly, myself.