This year started off pretty dark. It’s still pretty dark, actually.
But I feel I’m at a point where I either let the darkness completely overtake me or start fighting back. I wish I had been more resilient and started the fight sooner before it seemed almost impossible to bounce back, but there’s always been something within me pushing forward, it’s just not as strong of a push as I would’ve hoped.
I don’t know what the future has in store for me. Right now, it’s hard to envision much of a future at all. I’ve suffered some significant losses, been “displaced”, bro…ahem, currently between funds (in the negative, even) and now all this without mommy and daddy here to fix it and make it better…I never thought my life would be where it is today, a year ago. I must admit, I’m still in a huge shock but I must smack myself into reality because things seem to continue on a downward spiral.
I never thought I’d be in this position.
They say things happen for a reason. I’ve learned to despise that saying. I don’t know why I’m here, writing this post, that is. Maybe to let out some disappointments that I don’t want to concern my loved ones with; they’re helping me in the best way they can.
I just wish I had made better choices, stood my ground, put up healthier boundaries and stood by them, and realized that you can’t save anyone but, maybe, yourself. The energy I put in attempting to save what was out of my control should have been placed on myself, because here I am, struggling, seemingly alone while everyone else’s lives continue on blissfully, except for having to deal with my complicated grief, displacement, and agonizing shame.
The thing is, I’m too much of a people pleaser to do anything drastic to release myself of this blackness because of the thought of the pain it will cause others. That’s why I must use the little energy I have left to dig myself out of this mess, out of this despair.
This should be interesting.
I’m sure there’s plenty of moaning and groaning while attempting to be grateful for the little I have while being a bit scared to be grateful in fear that that, too, will even be taken away. Fear, I hate it. I blame it for the reason why I’m here under these circumstances. But that’s for another post.
Achieving Metanoia 